corruptionX

 

6/1/05
How to master an interview:

I know a lot of you out there are in the process of looking for a job and sometimes get called in for an interview. You've probably screwed up just about every single one of them. You wonder, "Why don't they ever like me?", or "What did I do wrong on the interview?" So, here is a list of things to keep in mind for your future interviews. These tips will surely help you land a job from your next interview, if you follow them. Just read, and you will learn...

• Show up late:
  Showing up late for the interview (about 20 mins or so) is one of the greatest things you can do to enhance your chances of getting the job. Showing up late shows that you're smart, and you've considered the chances of the interviewer not being ready for you when you come, and that you've acted according to what is most likely to happen. So you've shown up late to the interview because you knew that the interviewer wouldn't be ready for you had you shown up on time. The interviewer will immediately realize this stroke of genius and will write a big +10 on his paper he is using to mark your performance.
   
• Play hard to get:
  This is funny, but even if the person interviewing you isn't a dumb blonde who likes to take abuse, you will still gain from playing hard to get. Come to an interview and let the person know that you are "unsure" if you want the job. Let them spend a lot of their time convincing you that you want to work for them. That way, they won't have any extra time to be able to throw in stupid questions like "tell me about your family", or "What are your interests?" (You, baby!), which are sure to get you stuttering, no matter WHO is interviewing you. Also, they will feel like having you is a bargain. That way, they will likely be calling you back after the interview.
   
• If you are a woman, show that you're a woman:
  Be sure to keep your breasts exposed for the interview, and do not refrain from sticking them in the interviewer's face any time they mention something like "This job requires someone with way more skills than you have", or "I don't know if you'll be able to handle the job". This applies to both male and female interviewers. In my experience, all women are somewhat lesbian.
   
• Leave your cell phone on "LOUD!":
  It is most important that you leave your cellphone ringer on loud for the interview, and have a friend of yours intentionally call you during the interview. Also, keep exchanging text messages with people while the person is interviewing you. That way, the interviewer will know that your time is money, and it can't be put on hold for a bullshit interview. In the end, it will earn you more respect, and the person will more likely want to hire you...
   
• Use the bathroom:
  It's also a good idea to excuse yourself once during the interview and ask to go to the bathroom. Even if you don't have to go. That way, you will show that you are in charge, and you're not gonna hold anything in for some dumb idiot interviewing you. Remember: Not giving others respect automatically gives you more respect.
   
• Crack a perverted / sadistic / perverted & sadistic joke:
  This might ruin your chances of getting the job but it might also greatly increase it. If the person is appalled by this kinda stuff, they you're crap out of luck, but if the person digs it, you've just gotten yourself the job, even if you sucked at the rest of the interview. I say, save this for the end, and use it if you've been doing pretty crappy on the interview. It might be just enough to save your ass.

These are only a few, and right now my head is spinning from all those shroom caps, but there's a good chance I'll be updating this one at a later time if I can think of something to add.
In the meantime, try these, and let me know how it goes...

~CorruptionX