The complete idiots guide to not sounding like a complete idiot.
Some of us were made smarter than others. Some, mentally retarded. Just in case you happen to fall into that second category, here are a few pointers on how to not look like you're a square with three sides.
- People do dumb shit. I know I do. While doing dumb shit, embarrassing things happen. For the sake of doing something I'm about to tell you absolutely NEVER to do, I'm going to share one of my embarrassing qualities. I usually get food on myself when I eat. No matter if I'm pouring a cup of milk or handling a vegetable, I've had stuff jump back out of my hand and land on my shirt, and then slowly dribble it's way down my shirt rendering it completely useless forever. I've had a fresh Ice Cream Cone melt all over me... You name it, I've had it stain my shirt. The point is, stories that begin with "I'm so stupid that...." --- surprise, surprise! Make you sound stupid. Don't say them. Don't do what I just did.
- Don't talk about your brain. Things like 'my brain's hurting from all that thinking', or 'I thought really hard and then my brain helped me out' are dumb phrases that should never come out of your mouth. They make you sound like you need to talk to your brain in order for it to work. In case you were wondering, most people don't need to do this.
- Check your spelling! If you're posting on a forum or on Facebook or anything else, use the built in spell checker to make sure you're speaking proper English. Also, don't abbreviate shit like 'ur' or 'omg' or 'wat?' or 'cuz'. Those things make you sound like a dumbfuck.
- If people are talking about something you aren't familiar with, and you bust in and scream "I like flowers!!", people might throw you a peanut. Don't do stupid shit like that. You're changing the subject and it's blatantly obvious. Also annoying to the group of people who had to endlessly wait for you to leave the room in order to have an intellectual conversation, only to have you bust back in and take a shit on their conversation. Don't do it. Which leads me to the next one...
- Know your place! Know how smart you are, learn your strengths and weaknesses. If people are talking about something you don't understand, shut the fuck up! Figure out if you're intelligent enough to partake in the conversation and if you are, sit down, pay attention and shut the fuck up! Wait until you have enough information to be able to say something intelligent, and if you realize you're too dumb for the conversation, then for God's sake, get up and leave! Otherwise you run the risk of being asked for an opinion to which your head may uncontrollably droop to the side, your jaw may drop, and if you're really lucky, saliva may even start dribbling out of your mouth. I have a good idea. DON'T!
- When you have an opinion, make sure it's on topic! Make sure you are at educated enough on the subject to have an opinion that's actually backed with an explanation. Otherwise when someone asks you why you think that way, you may be forced to jam your thumb up your ass, and that doesn't look very smart. DON'T!
- And I kind of already said this, but then again you're reading this because you're dumb so I'll say it again: Always remember that it's always wiser to stay quiet and appear foolish than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I came up with that one myself.